Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Dear Diary...

I try not to get too deep and personal in this space because I don't necessarily want the blog to read like a diary.  Plus, this would be the most boring diary ever if I did.

"Dear Diary,

Today I went to work.  After work I went the library to study.  When I left the library to go to the gym, I saw a puppy..."

You get the idea.  Today, however, I feel a pull on my heart to share something with you.  To be transparent and open my heart to you.  I have a sneaking suspicion that many of you may wrestle with this too.

My biggest fear, and secret that I hold closest to my heart, is that the desires of my heart are not going to be part of God's will for my life.  It's not like I want bad or selfish things, I just wonder if my heart isn't aligned to God's will sometimes because these things seem to keep passing me by.  Or worse, they seem to be just out of reach constantly.  It's frustrating and even heart breaking at times.  And I'm scared to want these things, and hope for them, and pray for them only for them to not be part of the plan.  It's silly and slightly selfish, I know.  I feel it nonetheless.  Sometimes my faith isn't as strong as I think it is.

A friend shared this song with me today:

A particular lyric really stuck with me: "What I need is for You to be the thing I need."  It is something that my heart so earnestly prays for, and it goes hand in hand with this fear I have.  I want God to replace the desires of my heart, innocent as they are, with only a desire for Him.  To glorify Him and know Him more.  I know that if the Lord is the desire of my heart, I will never be disappointed.  I will never have to wonder if my heart is in the right place.

When I started writing this, I immediately turned to Psalm 37.  I just want to share with you the bits that jumped out at me most.  They were things like "Do not fret", "Trust in the Lord", "Delight yourself in the Lord", "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him".  It's pretty amazing how my Father knows exactly what I need to hear.

1 comment: